3:00 AM Dreaming

It was like all I wanted was for the sun to come up and erase these memories with a landscape of new lies. As if somehow this darkness was too peaceful, too real. I thought I could get past this losing and this disappointment if one more day came and laughed at me in all its warmth and brilliance. Maybe I was right, maybe that daylight would pull me through and drag me along step by step. But I couldn't make it. I was only half way through the night before I needed the sun to fool me, to let ignorance be bliss- or at least indifference. Instead I had the moon glaring at me from her hell hole sky, accusing me of all my disregards and failures. I had the stars begging me to lie with them. I felt like I had little choice. I could not continue moving through each day disappointing people, disappointing the animals and landscapes I vowed to save. I just couldn't do it all and everyday I was hurting more than I was helping. And everyday my heart was growing colder. My mind was screaming at me, crying out to my soul, taking everyone's twisted lies and ripping them into tiny shards of ice that stabbed into my core. I couldn't deal with it any more. I walked into the warm air and found the highest place I could. The stars seemed a lot closer. A gentle breeze caressed my cheek but left a waft of cheap smoke and car exhaust polluting its maternal embrace. To hell with you, I whispered. And then I jumped.

That Day

I was drowned before I was sunk
Gone before I was leaving
Hollow before I'd been emptied
Breathless before I quit breathing